Perfectionism as a Mask for Not Feeling Good Enough
Have you ever felt like no matter how much you accomplish, it’s still not enough? Like the bar keeps moving, and you’re the one raising it? That constant drive to do better, be better, prove yourself, is often perfectionism in disguise. This experience isn’t just about wanting to get things right. It’s about believing that only being right, flawless, or in control will make us acceptable, lovable, or safe.
Perfectionism can feel like a badge of honor in a culture that applauds hustle, appearance, and success. However, behind the curtain of polished resumes, curated Instagram feeds, and high achievement often lies something much deeper: shame. It is a way to deny our vulnerability and hide limitations by striving to appear perfect. It is a defense mechanism rooted in the fear of being exposed as flawed or “not good enough” (Bradshaw, 2005).
It often starts early. Maybe you learned that praise came when you performed, or that love was conditional. Maybe you grew up believing that your worth depends on constant achievement. Maybe you picked up on unspoken rules: Don’t make mistakes. Don’t show weakness. Don’t need too much. Over time, striving for perfection becomes a survival strategy.
In adulthood, this can create a relentless need for external validation to cover perceptions of defectiveness (Ashley, 2024). This can turn us into human “doings” instead of human beings (Bradshaw, 2005). However no matter how much we try, external accomplishments never quite fill the internal void or release the shame. Unlike healthy striving (which feels energizing and purposeful), perfectionism is rigid. It says: “You must get this right.” It whispers: “If you fail, you’re a failure.” It’s exhausting.
Here’s what perfectionism often costs us:
1. Peace of Mind:
That relentless inner critic? The one that replays conversations, obsesses over typos, or won’t let you rest until everything is “just right”? That’s not motivation. That’s shame disguised as productivity.
2. Authenticity:
Perfectionism disconnects us from our beautifully messy human selves. It encourages masking, people-pleasing, and hiding vulnerability. All of which keep us from real connection.
3. Time and Energy:
Perfectionism feeds procrastination and burnout. When the pressure to do things perfectly becomes overwhelming, we often delay or freeze. Or we push so hard that we end up depleted.
4. Joy:
When you’re always chasing the next goal, it’s hard to feel the joy of what you’ve already done. Perfectionism says, “Not yet,” even when you’ve already come so far.
So, how can we begin to loosen perfectionism’s grip?
Therapy could help you to:
Explore how perfectionism is not a personality flaw but a protective response that allowed you to survive and adapt for a long time.
Weave in some self-compassion to be a little bit nicer to yourself, a little bit more mindful and to see your struggles as linked to the challenges of others (Neff, 2018).
Explore the function the perfectionistic behaviors have served how it protected you.
Gently look at what perfectionism has cost you.
Unhook from the shame that says “you’re only worthy when you’re doing it all perfectly”
Reconnect with your inherent worth- the kind that doesn’t depend on performance.
Recognize that healing from perfectionism doesn’t mean becoming careless. It means becoming kinder to yourself. It means allowing room for mistakes, for learning and rest. It means redefining success, not as flawlessness, but as alignment with your values, your needs and your whole self.
If perfectionism has been running the show in your life and you’re tired of constantly proving, striving, and pushing through, know that you’re not alone. There’s a different way of being. One that makes room for softness, imperfection, and self-acceptance.
If you're ready to explore that path, I would be honoured to walk it with you. Reach out for a free consultation. I would love to connect.
References:
Ashley, (2020). Shame-Informed Therapy: Treatment Strategies to Overcome Core Shame and Reconstruct the Authentic Self. PESI Publishing & Media: Eau Claire.
Bradshaw, (1988). Healing The Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications.
Neff,K. and Germer,C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength and Thrive, New York: Guilford Press.