Perfectionism as a Mask for Not Feeling Good Enough
Have you ever felt like no matter how much you accomplish, it’s still not enough? Like the bar keeps moving, and you’re the one raising it? That feeling, that constant drive to do better, be better, prove yourself, is often perfectionism in disguise. And while it might masquerade as ambition or “high standards,” perfectionism carries hidden costs that can quietly erode our mental and emotional well-being.
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to get things right. It’s about believing that only being right, flawless, or in control will make you acceptable, lovable, or safe. It can feel like a badge of honor in a culture that applauds hustle, appearance, and success. But behind the curtain of polished resumes, curated Instagram feeds, and high achievement often lies something much deeper: shame.
Perfectionism is a way to deny our vulnerability and hide limitations by striving to appear perfect. It is a defense mechanism rooted in the fear of being exposed as flawed or “not good enough” (Bradshaw, 2005).
It often starts early. Maybe you learned that praise came when you performed, or that love was conditional. Maybe you grew up believing that your worth depends on constant achievement. Maybe you picked up on unspoken rules: Don’t make mistakes. Don’t show weakness. Don’t need too much. Over time, striving for perfection becomes a survival strategy.
In adulthood, this can create a relentless need for external validation to cover perceptions of defectiveness (Ashley, 2024). This can turn us into human “doings” instead of human beings (Bradshaw, 2005). No matter how much we try, external accomplishments never quite fill the internal void or release the shame though.
Unlike healthy striving (which feels energizing and purposeful), perfectionism is rigid. It says: “You must get this right.” It whispers: “If you fail, you’re a failure.” It’s exhausting.
Here’s what perfectionism often costs us:
1. Peace of Mind:
That relentless inner critic? The one that replays conversations, obsesses over typos, or won’t let you rest until everything is “just right”? That’s not motivation. That’s shame disguised as productivity.
2. Authenticity:
Perfectionism disconnects us from our beautifully messy human selves. It encourages masking, people-pleasing, and hiding vulnerability. All of which keep us from real connection.
3. Time and Energy:
Perfectionism feeds procrastination and burnout. When the pressure to do things perfectly becomes overwhelming, we often delay or freeze. Or we push so hard we end up depleted.
4. Joy:
When you’re always chasing the next goal, it’s hard to feel the joy of what you’ve already done. Perfectionism says, “Not yet,” even when you’ve already come so far.
So how do we begin to loosen perfectionism’s grip?
It starts with self-compassion, recognizing that perfectionism is not a personality flaw but a learned response. In therapy, we explore where it came from, how it protected you, and what it’s been costing you. We gently unhook from the shame that says you’re only worthy when you’re “doing it all perfectly,” and begin to reconnect with your inherent worth. The kind that doesn’t depend on performance.
Healing from perfectionism doesn’t mean becoming careless. It means becoming kinder to yourself. It means allowing room for mistakes, for learning and rest. It means redefining success, not as flawlessness, but as alignment with your values, your needs, your whole self.
If perfectionism has been running the show in your life and you’re tired of constantly proving, striving, and pushing through, know that you’re not alone. There’s a different way of being. One that makes room for softness, imperfection, and self-acceptance.
If you're ready to explore that path, I would be honoured to walk it with you. Reach out for a free consultation. I would love to connect.
References:
Ashley, (2020). Shame-Informed Therapy: Treatment Strategies to Overcome Core Shame and Reconstruct the Authentic Self. PESI Publishing & Media: Eau Claire.
Bradshaw, (1988). Healing The Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications.