Healing Shame Through Parts Work: How Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Inner Child Work Can Help You Reclaim Your Worth
Let’s talk about shame, the kind that creeps in quietly but leaves you questioning your worth, place, and very self. The kind that tells you you’re somehow “too much” and “not enough” at the same time. If you’ve ever struggled with low self-esteem, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or a relentless inner critic, chances are, shame could be lurking beneath the surface. But here’s the thing: shame doesn’t have to keep running the show.
In my work as a Registered Psychotherapist (qualifying), one of the most powerful approaches I’ve found for working through shame is Parts Work. You might have heard about some of its most popular forms, like Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Inner Child work. What I love about these frameworks is that they don’t ask you to push away the messy, complicated parts of yourself. Instead, they invite you to turn toward the very aspects you’ve been taught to hide, to listen deeply, and offer compassion.
What Is Parts Work?
Parts Work operates from the belief that, like a head or garlic, everyone has multiple “parts”, each with their perspective, needs, emotions and wisdom (Schwartz, 2018). It views the psyche as a kind of internal family system that consists of these various parts as well as a core Self that is wise, compassionate, and capable of healing.
Bradshaw (2005) suggests that shame fractures the self. He believes that when children grow up with conditional love that depends on being “good,” “quiet,” “helpful,” or “perfect” they begin to exile the parts of themselves that don’t fit the mold. This leads certain parts of themselves to get pushed into the shadows. However, just because those parts are disowned doesn’t mean they disappear…
They can show up in dreams, projections, creative work, anxiety, or even self-sabotage. The list is endless! This is what Jung (1968) referred to as the shadow. To get technical, the shadow is the unconscious part of the personality that the ego does not identify with. It can include repressed desires or weaknesses that we disown since we find them unacceptable. All of this to say that, according to Bradshaw (2005), reclaiming the shadow is essential to healing shame.
Shame, Splitting, and the Inner Critic
Stone and Winkelman (1989) describe how this process of “splitting” off our “unacceptable” parts creates autonomous inner selves. Some of these parts could carry pain, others could try to manage it, or still others could act out when things become unbearable. Bradshaw (2005) says that splitting and repressing these parts takes an enormous amount of energy and compares it to trying to hold a beach ball underwater or restraining wild dogs in a basement.
Those metaphors hit home, don’t they?
This is where Parts Work becomes so liberating. It gives us a map, a way to make sense of all the noise happening inside. Also, rather than trying to silence or fix these parts, we’re invited to listen to them, validate them, and ultimately love and integrate them.
The Internal Family System’s (IFS) Model
According to Richard Schwartz (2024), founder of Internal Family Systems, shame isn’t a defect to be purged. He views it as an evolutionarily rooted emotion that is wired to our survival as social beings. For Schwartz, shame originally helped keep us “safe” by making sure that we fit in with the communities we depended on to survive.
He explains that many of us develop an Inner Critic, a protective/manager part that uses harsh self-talk to try to prevent us from experiencing rejection. It might say, “Don’t wear that, you’ll embarrass yourself,” or “You’ll never be good enough, so don’t even bother trying.” As hard as these critical parts of us are to tolerate, it’s important to realize that they are not trying to be cruel. In fact, they are awkwardly trying to protect us by encouraging endless self-improvement projects and preventing risk-taking. Over time, this fuels a toxic cycle.
Here’s how that cycle tends to go:
A vulnerable “Exiled” part carries wounds and the belief “I’m worthless.”
A “Firefighter” part steps in to numb this pain through overeating, drinking, overworking, or (my personal favorite) scrolling. (This is not an exhaustive list, haha. I could write an entire book on how these parts can show up!)
Then the “Inner Critic” arrives on the scene and shames us for those very behaviors and tries to manage the whole situation by getting very “Type A” about it. This is where the perfectionism, overachieving, playing small, people-pleasing, endless to-do lists and overanalyzing come in.
It’s exhausting. And it doesn’t stop until something shifts.
The “magic” of IFS is this: healing happens when all these parts come into contact with the Self, the calm, curious, compassionate essence that exists within each of us. When you connect to your Self, you become like the loving inner parent your wounded parts never had.
DeYoung and the Power of Distance
DeYoung (2022) adds that Parts Work is particularly effective for healing shame because it allows for emotional distance. Instead of saying “I’m broken,” one might say, “A part of me feels broken.” That slight shift can be profoundly protective. It lets you explore painful emotions without being engulfed by them.
This approach helps to titrate the exploration of emotions- to dip into it gently rather than diving headfirst. One part can feel shame, while another part observes and compassionately tends to the emotion. This inner witnessing builds regulation, resilience, and ultimately reintegration.
Inner Child Work: Reclaiming the Wounded Self
Inner Child work is often viewed as bringing a deeply nurturing tone to Parts Work. In the “How to Work with Shame” course, Borisenko (n.d.) encourages guided visualizations where you can imagine yourself at ages 5, 10, and 15. You are then invited to “hold”, comfort, and speak gently to these younger versions of yourself to offer the compassion that may have been missing.
Bradshaw (2005) also sees the Inner Child as a metaphor for blocked emotional energy since he believes that, especially in cases of abuse or neglect, the child self gets frozen in time. He recommends reconnecting to this part of ourselves through old photographs. You can look at your young self and get curious. What was it going through? What did it need? Eventually, you can let it know that “I’ve got you now.” For Bradshaw, that act alone can be a step towards unravelling years of internalized shame.
What Healing Can Look Like
All of this to say that Parts Work can invite you into a deeply compassionate journey of self-discovery. One that can guide you to turn towards the chaos to quiet it, that softens self-criticism, and brings your fragmented parts into harmony. It’s not just about healing old wounds; it’s about listening to your needs, honoring your boundaries, and forming a new, more compassionate relationship with yourself. One where the parts of you that have long waited in the shadows finally feel seen, heard, and held.
And you don’t have to do it alone…
If you’re curious about how Parts Work could support your healing, I invite you to reach out and schedule a free consultation. Let’s explore what’s possible together.
References:
Borisenko (n.d.). National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioural Medicine. Course on How to Work with Shame.
Bradshaw, (1988). Healing The Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications.
DeYoung, P. A. (2022). Understanding and treating chronic shame: A relational/neurobiological
approach. NY: Routledge.
Jung, (1968). Aion: Researches into the phenomenology of the self (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.; 2nd ed.). The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 9, Part 2): Princeton University Press.
Schwartz, R. C. (2018). Greater than the sum of our parts: Discovering your true self through Internal Family Systems therapy [Audio book]. Sounds True.
Schwartz, R. C. (2024). The internal family systems workbook: A guide to discover your Self and heal your parts. Sounds True.
Stone, H., & Stone, S. (1989). Embracing our selves: The voice dialogue manual. New World Library.