The Power of Being Kind to Yourself: Self-Love, Self-Acceptance, and Self-Compassion
“To love yourself unconditionally is to embrace your humanity and your unique, unrepeatable worth."
Bradshaw
As a therapist, I often find myself repeating this one message over and over again to my clients: “Please, be kind to yourself”. I don’t just mean it in the “bubble bath and cozy socks” kind of way (although I’m all for those!). I am talking about the real, gutsy, day-in-day-out kind of self-kindness that reshapes how we move through the world. The kind that rewires shame, tames harsh inner-critics and transforms our relationship with ourselves.
This isn't just a feel-good suggestion. It's a transformative practice that authors like John Bradshaw, Tara Brach, Kristin Neff, and Christopher Germer have written about in different ways. They may use different language: self-love, radical acceptance, mindful self-compassion, but they’re all pointing to the same essential truth: when we stop treating ourselves like the enemy and start extending the same warmth inward that we so freely offer others, something powerful begins to shift.
Self-Love
Let’s start with John Bradshaw (2005). His work on healing toxic shame continues to influence how I envision healing. Bradshaw argues that self-love, not in the Instagram-quote way, but as a conscious, active decision to accept and nurture ourselves, is the ultimate antidote to toxic shame. He writes that shame’s greatest enemy is the simple yet radical statement: “I love myself.” That sentence might land awkwardly for some. Maybe it brings up resistance, skepticism, or even embarrassment. Bradshaw’s point is that self-love doesn’t wait until we’ve “earned” it. It’s a decision to relate to ourselves with compassion rather than contempt, always. Especially when we mess up… or feel like a mess.
What I also appreciate about Bradshaw (2005) is that he doesn’t stop at affirmations. He shares practices that invite us to do something radical: choose ourselves. Not in a self-indulgent way, but in a kind one. This could involve remembering to rest, solitude, making art, moving our bodies, spending time in nature, or partaking in joyful activities. He also calls out our cultural obsession with overworking and “earning” our worth through productivity, a pattern that’s often rooted in shame. He goes further and reminds us that saying “no” when needed is a huge part of self-care since he views the ability to set boundaries as connected to our inherent worth. I’ll admit, it hadn’t clicked for me until reading Bradshaw (2005) and Urban (2022) just how closely boundary-setting is tied to self-love. But it makes so much sense: we only protect what we believe is valuable.
Radical Self-Acceptance
Tara Brach (2023) offers another doorway in. She calls it radical self-acceptance, and she describes it as the way out of the “trance of unworthiness.” That trance, so familiar to so many of us, whispers on repeat that something is wrong with us, that we are unlovable, broken, or not enough.
Brach’s approach is grounded in Buddhist teachings, and her R.A.I.N. meditation offers a clear path forward. It stands for:
Recognize what’s happening.
Allow it to be there.
Investigate with curiosity.
Nurture with kindness.
This isn’t about spiritually bypassing our pain. It’s about turning toward it, gently, bravely, with compassion. It’s about holding space for the parts of us we’ve been taught to reject and beginning to soften the harsh inner voices that keep us stuck.
Mindful Self-Compassion
For those who feel almost allergic to the language of self-love or self-acceptance, Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer (2018) offer a slightly different entry point: mindful self-compassion. Their work is grounded in research and practice, and it breaks self-compassion into three digestible components:
Self-kindness: Responding to ourselves with gentleness instead of judgment.
Common humanity: Remembering that we’re not alone in our struggles.
Mindfulness: Noticing our pain without drowning in it.
This model helps clients, and me, honestly, navigate difficult emotions without spiraling. It gives us something tangible to hold onto when our inner critic kicks into overdrive. It’s also important to mention that self-compassion makes us more competent and productive. Not less. The idea that being harsh towards ourselves helps motivate us is a myth.
Then there are the small rituals that seem simple but are so meaningful. They can be like tiny acts of self-rescue, especially in moments of emotional overwhelm. Examples include:
Looking into the mirror and saying something kind to yourself, the same way you’d comfort a dear friend. This isn’t just a woo-woo practice; evidence shows it supports nervous system regulation by increasing heart rate variability, a key marker of emotional resilience (McGonigal, n.d.).
Writing yourself a "permission slip" to rest, make mistakes, or set a boundary (Ashley, 2024). Something I’ve encouraged clients to try in sessions.
Placing a hand on your heart (again, proven to have a beneficial impact on the nervous system).
Visualizing that a compassionate figure is on your side. If no one from your real life comes up, you can create your own and imagine what they could look like, feel like, and say to you. You can go even further and imagine what you would need to hear from them?
At the heart of all of this is a simple yet radical idea: you deserve to be on your own side. Not only when you’re thriving, but when you’re tired, hurting, or unsure. Especially then.
Directing kindness toward yourself is not a fluffy concept. It’s a fierce act of reclamation. It’s choosing to believe that your worth isn’t up for debate. That your healing matters. That rest, boundaries, and self-forgiveness are not luxuries but necessities.
So, if you’re reading this and feeling the tug to be a little softer with yourself today, consider it your official invitation. You don’t need to earn it. You just have to begin.
If you would like to work with someone who can guide you on your journey towards fostering your self-compassion, please reach out. I would love to connect with you for a free consultation.
To continue your exploration, I recommend these references:
Ashley, (2020). Shame-Informed Therapy: Treatment Strategies to Overcome Core Shame and Reconstruct the Authentic Self. PESI Publishing & Media: Eau Claire.
Ashley, (2024). The “Not Good Enough” Treatment Plan: A Shame-Informed Treatment Specialist Certification Course, February 26 & 27, 2024.
Brach, T. (2003). Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. New York, NY: Bantam.
Bradshaw, (1988). Healing The Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications.
McGonigal in National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioural Medicine. Course on How to Work with Shame
Urban, M. (2022). The book of boundaries: Set the limits that will set you free. The Dial Press.